Crossroads: My Fears On A Microscope

I woke up today feeling a little different. There was a heavy feeling in my chest and despite my usual dose of coffee, I did not feel the surge of energy that usually accompanies this morning ritual.  I went about with my usual routine: putting a nice music on, checking my mails, planning my day… Still,   a part of me is discordant and no matter how hard I try to ignore it, the negative feeling did not go away.  It was just hovering in the background.

Ahh… my fears. It is my greatest folly. What I was about to do will take me out again of  familiar things and places.  The uncertainties of the  next few months  igniting my  feelings of insecurities and apprehensions.

Fear is indeed  paralyzing.  It has the power to render a person less functional and if left unchecked, can overwhelm even the most determined mind.

I know I have to get away again. I believe that for me to be strong once more, I have to finish this  task. To journey  to the other side of the world. Albeit, for a short time.

Yes, I will be risking a career. I will be giving up a few comforts, but what is important to me now is realizing a dream. And I cannot postpone it any further.

So now I must calm my fears. Talk to my inner self and gather the strength to pass this crossroad….

Caffeine and Other Attachments

Energy. Focus. Feelings of well-being.  Sounds familiar? Yes, I am talking about  the most   common reasons  why people, including myself,  gets hooked on caffeine.  Though I can start my day without this substance in my circulation, a shot of caffeine makes a difference in my day to day life.  No wonder caffeine ranks as the number one substance consumed in the whole world. Not nicotine or alcohol. Not weed. But caffeine. Imagine if this chemical is banned? There will be chaos.  CEOs will have a more challenging time making decisions that will affect thousands of people and their livelihoods. Surgeons will be dozing off in the operating table  during a 6 hour procedure. Broadcasters and reporters will be unable to deliver breaking news in the middle of the night. The list goes on…

Getting into the habit of drinking coffee is a form of attachment. Our mind associates the act of taking caffeine as a positive experience. Thus, we continue doing it.  Imagine if we get attached to something else. Say, alcohol? or maybe, weed?  Or how about sex?  Because taking these substances or doing a certain activity  create a pleasurable effect, our subconscious can automatically associate it with something good. It will create a unique imprint  deep inside our minds that when properly triggered, can make us crave for the experience. Yes, it can be scary. Especially if we do not recognize and understand our different attachments in life.

The good news is, man has undergone so much evolution over the centuries that we have already become a sophisticated organism. We  do not operate on pleasure principle anymore.  Our capacity to rational thinking sets us apart from the rest of the species.

So we stay away from too much alcohol as we know it will mess up our liver and turn us into yellow. Avoid illicit drugs as it can impair our capacity for logical thinking and can bar us from getting certain jobs.  And  try to follow society’s convention by not having promiscuous activities., etc.

As I type these words, I can feel my heart going faster, my mind gaining more clarity, my need for food diminished, and my bladder sending signal to my brain telling me its about time to get up and take care of it.

Ahh.. the virtues of caffeine. Just imagine life without it……….

How I Followed My Instinct And Got Ditched!

My first blog talked about me taking a break to the other side of the Atlantic. It was part of my ongoing effort to stay happy in life. Getting away from the angst of day to day existence, and finding the inspiration to remain a positive person.

Before I left, I was dating this dude who seems to be the perfect boyfriend material: Good looks. Imposing at 6’3 with pure muscles. A college diploma. Very masculine. A classic example of an Alpha male.

I have known this guy long before we decided to see each other. At that time, I was already involved with someone else hence, we lost communication after the initial contact. It will be more than 6 months later that our paths will cross again: in the dance floor of a popular bar during one of my rare trips to Hollywood.

With the effects of the alcohol already heightening my senses that time, I was lost in the music and did not notice him dancing in front of me until I felt his warm shirtless body next to mine. As I looked into his face, I broke into a smile. Yes, it was him. And he still remembers. We danced for a while until it was time for my friends to drag me out of the place. But not before we can trade numbers and made plans to see each other again. Soon.

For a couple of weeks, he became a fixture in my life: movie, dinner, sleep over at his place. It was fun. But something was missing. For some reason, I did not feel like I was connected to him.  I was unwilling to give myself up  to this person and a part of me was very uneasy.  Yet, he seemed genuine, devoted  and showed me only warm affection. It  did not feel compute.

We went out one night and I had the most enjoyable time I ever had for a long long time. Being with this guy was  living on the edge. His manner of driving. The confidence that he exudes. His being part of the that crowd that can  open doors and get  you in without waiting in a queue. He protected me and made sure I was safe and having a good time. So why the uneasiness? The boiling notion that he was not real? That he was not the man for me? Ahh.. if only I can ignore the inner voice that whispers in my subconciousness….

Then it was time for me to go away on my planned trip. I will be gone for two weeks. We talked before I left but was unable to  discuss how things are between us.  Before boarding my flight, I made one call to him and we made plans to see each other again after my vacation.

Some 15 days later, I sent him an innocuous text asking how he is. The reply? “Who is this?” I was floored. Not again!

A couple of messages later and it became apparent that he was already seeing someone new. I also realized that it has been a week that I did not see him in my Facebook account. I never gave it much thought then assuming he was just busy and had no time to log in. It was clear to me now that he simply deleted me in his social network. From his phonebook. From his life.

With my fingers swiping at the contact list, I was just about to dial his number to tell him just what I think of him at that time. But reason prevailed. I took a pause and dissected the events. No wonder I was unable to give him what he asked before I left. The resistance I felt from within which prevented me from sharing my body fully and submitting to his affection. My instinct was right after all. He was not the man for me.

Not wasting any more energy on this latest experience, I decide to move on and continue the journey I have chosen to follow. I know it will not be easy finding someone to share your dreams with and to build memories together. But what other choices do we have? We can always chase a dream and remain hopeful that somewhere, somehow, when the time has come, The One will come along.

Being Different: An Awareness of My Sexuality

I can vividly remember being in my elementary years. The occasional teasing of my classmates. My preference for bright coordinated colors. A growing fondness towards tidiness, order, and my non-participation in contact sports. These are some of my earliest memories that may have alerted me I was different. Too soft. Not masculine enough.

But then, I grew up surrounded by the female sex. Doting sisters. And a very strong mother figure. Add a hardworking father who was not always present and you got Freud’s classic example of family dynamics resulting mostly to a case like mine. I did not stand a chance.

I was probably 6 or 7 when I first experienced being attracted to someone. He was my cousin about 10 years my senior. Strong. Athletic. Goodlooking. He made me touch himself in different places and I glowed in the attention given to me. It stopped with no further harm done except the mental images and vague memories of the experience at such a young mind.

When I was in high school, the conflicting emotions start surfacing. I would feel torn about my emotions and could not fully comprehend why I was feeling so many things at the same time. I started noticing men first, then the women, but it was always the men that I would feel a stronger response. Initially, I would dismiss the notion as just part of me looking after a strong male figure. Someone I admire in attributes. A role model. But as my appreciation of men became more difficult to explain, I started my own research and stumbled upon the answer: I am gay.

Fear. Revulsion. Despair. These were the prevailing reaction I had when I fully comprehended the state I was in. I was brought up in a religious family. Being homosexual is an abomination. A sin. The fires of hell awaits every sinner to be tormented eternally. Not a very encouraging picture of a life ahead.

The only solution? Suppression. So instead of acting out on my thoughts, I channeled all my energy to my studies. I excelled in school. I participated in extra curricular activities. I made myself a visible figure in the campus. I avoided all goodlooking men and consciously dislike them as a rule. I was in control. Looking back now, I cannot imagine the kind of effort I spent to carry out such elaborate act.
For the next few years, the strategy worked.

College life was almost a similar story. Books and lessons ruled my life. I became recognized not for the size of my biceps but for my thinking skills. I still avoided getting too close with goodlooking men and I only became comfortable with people whom I did not regard as a threat.

Then came a guy who was the first to shatter my peaceful existence. John. He was a year younger than I was. Smart. Masculine. Goodlooks. And most importantly, he showed interest in me. We would study together. Watch movies. Hang out. For the first time, I felt good about caring for someone I like and admire. We were enjoying ourselves being buddies. He was my first best friend as an adult. Only to be brought back to a painful reality. John’s girlfriend may have seen the bond between us and without me knowing about it first, made him choose. Their relationship, or our friendship.

For years after that, I felt so angry at being made second place. John avoided me like I had the plague after that. Not even bothering to explain, or tell me what was wrong.My first betrayal by someone I care about. My resolve to just do well in my career became my source of strength at that time. In the course of my College years, I met a friend 20 years my senior who I thought was genuinely interested in me as a person. It turned out one night, he only wanted to go to bed with me and thus, got me too drunk to even put up a decent fight. He got away with it and it took me another few years to even trust anyone again.

I was already 20 then when I first met the love of my life. Or so I thought. He was everything I have ever wanted and dreamed of.  Two years my junior, very athletic, a frat boy, goodlooking. The first time we spoke on the phone, we talked for more than 7 hours. Hard to believe, but it happened. Our fascination with each other led to friendship. Before we knew it, we both realized we like each other too much to even risk the friendship. It was like finding a soulmate. We can complete each other’s sentence. Read minds. And felt in sync with each other. We decided to became best friends. And boy, it was hard not to fall in love with a best friend. But we succeeded up to this date. He became my confidante, my conspirator, my brother and my buddy. I could not ask for a better friend in him.

There were men who came into my life after my best friend. I was in and out of relationships for the last 10 years. The first boyfriend I had left a scar in my heart. The second boyfriend I had was a relationship in rebound. And the third? A relationship that is marred by personal need and security.

Being gay has brought me to new places I have only imagined before. Knowing that the only way for me to find myself is to go out  from my comfort zones and start a life away from home. And I like to think that I have been successful in this endeavor.  I have transformed myself into a better,  happier  person. Fit,  healthy, confident. I found myself.

There are days I wish I were straight. Then probably at my age now( I am already 33! ), I would already have a family of my own and my energy will all be directed towards taking care of my wife and my kids. But then again, maybe I am what I am for a reason. Maybe its the best way for me to realize my potentials and be the kind of person that I am called to be.

I still believe being gay is not a choice. Living a gay lifestyle is. But to be this way? It is beyond reason. Or rationalization. Or suppression. In the end, one cannot help being what he is. Just like the story of the scorpion. It cannot help but sting. And a gay man cannot help but get drawn to another man.

I wish there are simpler explanations to this gay phenomenon. Like a physiological aberration. A deficiency in the enzyme. Then a pill can just remedy the issue easily for those wanting a change. But then maybe it is not meant to be corrected at all. That being gay is natural just like being a man or a woman.

Whatever the answer is, I have no regrets being what I am today. When I see parents playing with their kids, I get this funny feeling inside. In my heart, I long for the same thing. Maybe someday, I’d get lucky. Maybe one of these days, I will have the same chance straight people do. Find a good man. Get married. Raise a kid. Who knows…

Getting Away: A Tip For The Unhappy Soul

Did you wake up recently dragging yourself out of the bed and reluctant to start the day? Is the mere thought of doing the same routine day after day make you recoil and wish you have Harry Potter’s magical wand and with a few incantation, make yourself teleport to another place like maybe, the Bahamas?

Most people I know are in the same state of anhedonia, the degree of which varies depending on specific situations. With the economy suddenly headed to a free fall a few months ago, more individuals losing their job security, and newspapers filled with grim outlook, many more are joining the ranks of unhappy people.

What is the root cause of unhappiness?

Different books and different schools of thought will give you varying responses. The most common contention of which is that our unhappiness is the product of our unmet needs. Whether tangible or intangible, our inability to fulfill these needs create the negativity in us. The same negativity is slowly taking root initially at the back of our minds which eventually find its way to our consciousness. Thus, what started us a vague feeling of restlessness, dissatisfaction, fear and anxiety become manifested. Insomnia. Sudden acceleration of the heart rate. Fatigue. Depression. And the list goes on.

Because unhappiness is a negative feeling, the only way to offset is to create a positive energy in us. If the cause of one’s unhappiness is money, the most logical answer will be to find the means to get it. If the reason why one is unhappy is because he has not achieved a lasting meaningful relationship, taking a step out and meet new people will be the balancing act. And if work has already created the feeling of dissatisfaction and disillusionment, going for a break and appraising the job from a more objective view will prove to be beneficial and can averse a potentially bad career move.

The point is, one has to confront his issues and address the main point of his unhappiness. Acknowledging it is a major step towards the right direction. Many people would rather burrow their head under the sand rather than confront their feelings and their thoughts. For many individuals, feeling unhappy is a weakness. A character defect. A flaw. And accepting it, much more putting a label on it, a taboo. A lessening of stature of how others will perceive the person.

Nothing can be more wrong than this. It is very human to feel unhappy. To be depressed at one time or another. And no, it is not just because we are lacking in faith. Or does not pray often enough. Or invoke our Gods.

But while it is okay to be unhappy, to remain as such is another story. For no matter what state we find ourselves in, we can always choose not to remain unhappy. We can always make that conscious effort to stop the negativity and kick that gloomy feeling away. To be positive about life again.

Like talking to a friend. Or checking the papers and putting on that suit to get the new job. Or maybe, creating a physical distance between one and his current situation.

Maybe that is what I am doing now. Traveling halfway across the globe. Away from the perceived source of discontentment. To find a perspective. To feel alive again and come back anew.

No matter what step we take, our commitment is crucial. Self therapy is not for everyone. But anyone can always try and it is free.

We all deserve to be happy. We all deserve a good life. And we all have that innate capacity to make it happen….

A Start….

With the caffeine surging in my blood stream and sending numerous impulses to my  higher centers, I slowly came out from my catatonic state. After  a  few clicks and supplying the required  information,  I’m finally here. Acquiring the necessary tool that will enable me to broadcast my thoughts to the world. Finally, the  voice in me will  have the  chance to be heard amidst the cacophony that characterizes the blogosphere these days.

Will my story resonate?  Is my  attempt to piece the words together into a coherent train of thoughts be successful in transmitting the information I am trying to send?  Will my desire to connect be enough?

I close my eyes and for a brief while, envision a path ahead. Yes, I am taking this journey. I will take the road laid in front of me.  And yes, I will be  writing  my story…..