My first blog talked about me taking a break to the other side of the Atlantic. It was part of my ongoing effort to stay happy in life. Getting away from the angst of day to day existence, and finding the inspiration to remain a positive person.
Before I left, I was dating this dude who seems to be the perfect boyfriend material: Good looks. Imposing at 6’3 with pure muscles. A college diploma. Very masculine. A classic example of an Alpha male.
I have known this guy long before we decided to see each other. At that time, I was already involved with someone else hence, we lost communication after the initial contact. It will be more than 6 months later that our paths will cross again: in the dance floor of a popular bar during one of my rare trips to Hollywood.
With the effects of the alcohol already heightening my senses that time, I was lost in the music and did not notice him dancing in front of me until I felt his warm shirtless body next to mine. As I looked into his face, I broke into a smile. Yes, it was him. And he still remembers. We danced for a while until it was time for my friends to drag me out of the place. But not before we can trade numbers and made plans to see each other again. Soon.
For a couple of weeks, he became a fixture in my life: movie, dinner, sleep over at his place. It was fun. But something was missing. For some reason, I did not feel like I was connected to him. I was unwilling to give myself up to this person and a part of me was very uneasy. Yet, he seemed genuine, devoted and showed me only warm affection. It did not feel compute.
We went out one night and I had the most enjoyable time I ever had for a long long time. Being with this guy was living on the edge. His manner of driving. The confidence that he exudes. His being part of the that crowd that can open doors and get you in without waiting in a queue. He protected me and made sure I was safe and having a good time. So why the uneasiness? The boiling notion that he was not real? That he was not the man for me? Ahh.. if only I can ignore the inner voice that whispers in my subconciousness….
Then it was time for me to go away on my planned trip. I will be gone for two weeks. We talked before I left but was unable to discuss how things are between us. Before boarding my flight, I made one call to him and we made plans to see each other again after my vacation.
Some 15 days later, I sent him an innocuous text asking how he is. The reply? “Who is this?” I was floored. Not again!
A couple of messages later and it became apparent that he was already seeing someone new. I also realized that it has been a week that I did not see him in my Facebook account. I never gave it much thought then assuming he was just busy and had no time to log in. It was clear to me now that he simply deleted me in his social network. From his phonebook. From his life.
With my fingers swiping at the contact list, I was just about to dial his number to tell him just what I think of him at that time. But reason prevailed. I took a pause and dissected the events. No wonder I was unable to give him what he asked before I left. The resistance I felt from within which prevented me from sharing my body fully and submitting to his affection. My instinct was right after all. He was not the man for me.
Not wasting any more energy on this latest experience, I decide to move on and continue the journey I have chosen to follow. I know it will not be easy finding someone to share your dreams with and to build memories together. But what other choices do we have? We can always chase a dream and remain hopeful that somewhere, somehow, when the time has come, The One will come along.
